Yeah, I guess I haven't been pulling my weight these days, blog-ically speaking. I feel like unless I have something technical or expertise-related to contribute, it just becomes unnecessary word-vomit/literary masturbation (not usually a fan of censorship - pardon the language) and I don't really think my brand of such is particularly interesting, insightful or humorous. I feel like there are many people out there who are much better at this, and I would rather be reading theirs than projecting mine!
That aside, it's occurred to me that I could/should/might someday try to condense all of my thoughts about my singular situation here in Morocco in some written form for others to try to understand. I have a journal that I scratch stream-of-consciousness rants in once in a while, whenever I'm in the mood. But that only comes once or twice a month, if that. And most of these sessions end with no deep realization of anything significant; I get bored of bitching about my boredom into my boring journal and I stop writing, mid-sentence, and immediately move on to something else: doing pullups or filling up all of our water bottles or calculating the number of seconds until I can be employed legitimately or losing countless hours to pointless Facebook stalking or shopping online for random stuff I don't need. Or even staring at the interesting patterns of peeling paint on our bedroom ceiling! Believe me, the list goes on...
The crux of my problem here is summarized by that old phrase "Be careful what you wish for because it just might come true." One of my biggest reasons, initially, for wanting to become a Peace Corps Volunteer was to escape the career trap that I was in and segue myself (ourselves, really) into a new place, physically, career-wise, etc. Today, with 99 days left until we're back in America, I feel like I've put in the time to determine my career plans and how I will pursue them. Emily has done the same. We both have questions and uncertainties, but our directions are SOLID and more importantly, TRUE TO OURSELVES. We are so stoked about our future life it's not even funny. It's going to be so awesome. You're going to want to live our lives they're going to be just that good! And, I believe, we needed this 27-month experience to be able to change, grow, and "align" ourselves in this manner. Main mission accomplished. We got what we wished for.
The problem results from the fact that, theoretically, there is more to the Peace Corps experience than just the volunteer's personal growth. There's cross-cultural learning, and language learning, inspiration, socialization, cooperation, et al. Around the 9-month point (June of '09), I had gotten pretty much all I wanted to get via the Peace Corps "goals" and I had contributed all that I was able to contribute. Without getting into particulars and sounding too cliche and complainy, I was finished...as I still am. But I'm really not finished, because I'm still here in a place where I don't want to be. Problem.
(The lesson to be learned from this: make sure you're doing what you're doing for the right reasons. Think them through thoughtfully, because time-based commitments (especially 2 year ones) can dilate to seem like decades when you're constantly thinking about being somewhere else and doing something else.)
Getting back to the topic at hand will coast this prose to a close: "serving" as a couple (quotations because I don't really view my time here as service. I mean, who did I serve? Nobody really needs my service here! Moroccans get along just peachy in their context, in my opinion).
Despite our differences as PCVs, and my near-constant bitching and misery during the 6-to-16-month period in my service, I always respected Emily's wish to remain here and complete her service. I'd be so gone if it were not for her. This experience has proven to us that she's a stronger, more committed and dedicated person than I, and I would not be able to live with myself if I had caused her to end her experience prematurely. Period.
Thus, I will bite my lip, force my smile, and maintain until we are finished. I will try to be the best partner for her and support her the best way that I can, albeit as a vitamin D deficient agoraphobic. This is my current status; this is where I am mentally for all those curious folks out there. This is what my service has boiled down to. It's a strange mixture of emotions and random thoughts and I don't even think I'm explaining it very well. I don't really think I fully understand it even. It has to marinate a bit more, perhaps, before I'm able to grill it, chew on it, and glean from it the nuggets of wisdom that will tell me what it was all about.
But wait, there's more!!! If not for this difficult, trying, and LONG experience, perhaps I never would have been able to do all the aforementioned personal development...perhaps I never would have developed the great ideas, plans, and feelings about the hows and wherefores concerning my awesome future life (and it is going to be awesome, let me tell you).
So then it follows that all of my "misery" here was the price I paid to arrive mentally at this location...the staging point for the rest of my life.
It's about at this point in my journal writing where I realize that I have no reason to be complaining and thus no real reason to be writing. So this is where my writing usually trails off into...